Mitta Kaṇḍa — The Chapter on Friends

79. One who helps you, though not kin, is like kin

This verse of the Loka Nīti speaks of two kinds of kin: kin by blood (ñāti-sālohita) and kin by Dhamma (ñāti-dhamma).

Kin by blood are those counted as relatives by bloodline, through seven degrees of lineage: great-grandparent, grandparent, parent, oneself, child, grandchild, great-grandchild. As long as these seven kinds of blood-kin still visit and keep in touch, still aid, support, favor, and help one another, still respect and honor one another, they are counted as kin. Even others, though not of the same blood, when they have mutual generosity and support, respecting and honoring one another, are counted as kin, because they can rely on one another in times of hardship. But if blood-kin have no mutual generosity and support, no mutual respect, they are counted as no kin — like a parasite that, though it dwells in the body, is of no use, while a medicinal herb, though it grows in a far-off forest, is of greater use.

Kin by Dhamma are those who respect and honor one another according to the Dhamma, and support one another according to the Dhamma.

80. A friend who slanders behind your back should be avoided

Between honey and poison, which would you choose? Everyone would surely choose honey. But if that honey has poison mixed in, then once you know, you should throw it away or keep far from it. Just so:

A friend is likewise. If, behind your back, he sets to slandering — matters outside the home he brings up to disparage, matters inside the home he brings up to disparage; fat, he slanders; thin, he slanders; tall, he slanders; short, he slanders; dark, he slanders; fair, he slanders — he can slander anything. But once he is before your face, he turns to praise and flattery, speaking sweetly: fat, he praises as well-nourished; thin, he praises as shapely; tall, he praises as well-proportioned; short, he praises as sturdy; dark, he praises as strikingly handsome; fair, he praises as clean and fine of complexion — he can praise and flatter anything.

Such a two-faced friend, though he be the only one in the world, one should cease to befriend. Though he speak as sweetly as honey, take it to be honey laced with poison; do not be deluded into drinking it. Let the wise flee such a friend; to dwell alone is best of all.

81. One who has lost his wealth is abandoned by friends

Most people in the world understand money and property to be the most important thing, the thing that can conjure up everything: whatever object one desires, one can easily exchange one's money to buy it. A person rich in money is therefore held important by everyone; whatever he does looks good in nearly every case; wherever he goes, people gladly welcome him, pay him respect, and praise and extol him.

So most people associate only with those who have wealth: when wealth comes, friends are there; when wealth flees, friends vanish. Thus, having run entirely out of money and property, fallen and hard-pressed, one has no one to befriend one; even friends, wife and children, relatives and siblings, all disappear and flee, none glancing back in care. Should one go with bowed head to ask help from anyone, one is refused, and moreover looked down upon, despised, and scorned. Therefore one should seek wealth before seeking friends.

82. Know four kinds of good people in hard times

A servant — one knows how well he works and how responsible he is when he does his master's bidding well, without failing.

Kin — one knows them well when we are in hardship and distress, in need of help, and they show care, are generous and supportive, aid and assist us, and help us.

Friends and companions — one knows them well when we meet with calamity and distress and are in need of help, and they hasten to help, hasten to take on the tasks left undone, give counsel, and console us to gladness. Then they are counted as true friends; if they do not help, they are counted as no friends.

A wife — one knows whether she loves and is faithful to her husband when the husband meets ruin in his work, unable to earn money to support the family any longer. If the wife still loves and cares, still shares sorrow and joy, does not abandon him for a new husband, but stays at his side without straying, then she is counted as a good and worthy wife.

83. The marks of true kin, friend, parent, and wife

The sincerity, generosity, love, care, tenderness, and goodwill that people give from the heart, in the bonds they share, they express to one another thus:

Kin are those who work for one another's benefit and are concerned for one another. Thus whoever works for one's benefit is counted as kin.

Mother and father are those who nurture, provide, support, and lovingly favor. Whoever does this is counted as mother and father.

A friend is one who bears good will, who helps and supports, who gives advice as a counselor, who is a refuge to rely on in times of hardship. Whoever does this is counted as a good friend (kalyāṇamitta).

A wife is one who gives love and care, who consoles the heart in times of trouble, who gives encouragement in times of discouragement, who gives trust, and who stays close to nurse one in sickness. Whoever does this is counted as a good and worthy wife.

84. Do not trust an enemy, and beware a friend when he is angry

The text advises: do not give trust to two kinds of people, the enemy and the friend.

The one called an enemy thinks only of destroying you utterly; he never means to help. If some enemy, still not free of covetousness for what is ours, still not free of grudge and vengeance against us, comes to ask to renew relations as a friend, or sends an envoy to negotiate — one should not trust him as a friend, for he may have an evil plan aiming only to destroy life and property. There have been those who thought an enemy a friend, opened their doors to let him in, and were killed. Therefore one should not trust an enemy.

The one called a friend — if he is a true friend, a good friend who will help and support, will never destroy you, for a true friend shares life and death; even when danger comes, he will not abandon you. But if he is a false friend, when danger comes he will abandon us; or when we quarrel and grow angry, he will bring out the unseemly matters about us and reveal them all around to our harm. Therefore the text warns: even a friend one should not fully trust.

85. A friendship once broken, do not renew

An earthen pot once broken is hard to rejoin as it was; a body once broken and dead cannot be revived. Just so, friends who have fallen out because of a difference of view cannot be restored to harmony.

One who, having been abandoned by a friend, allows him to return and be reconciled as a friend again — that person is said to be bringing danger upon himself, bringing death upon himself. For the one called a true friend is one who holds right views in agreement, who is of like disposition, and who will never break away to save his own skin. Thus a friend who has broken away is no friend, and should not be compromised with into becoming a friend again; for having once clashed and hated one another, the heart holds only rancor and grudge, seeking a way to destroy the other through contempt and scorn. His coming back to seek reconciliation therefore conceals something; when the chance comes, he can slay and crush us — just as the mule, conceived in the womb, is born to kill the mother mare.

86. Carry the enemy on your shoulders, awaiting the moment to be rid of him

An enemy is one who watches to threaten and harm us, who waits to strike us down. Sometimes the enemy comes in the guise of a friend, in the guise of kin, in the guise of the wise, in the guise of a subordinate, in the guise of a servant or retainer, and so on. When we have found out for certain that such a one is an enemy, if we do not yet have the chance to fight, we should endure, doing everything to make him believe we can do nothing — even though it is like carrying a heavy burden upon the shoulders all along — waiting for the chance, gathering the information, the witnesses and evidence, in full, until we think he can no longer wriggle free; and only then reveal it and proceed according to the law or according to the course of righteousness, dealing with it in a single stroke so that nothing remains, giving no chance to slip away — just as one grips an earthen pot firmly and smashes it down upon a slab of rock with full force, so that it shatters to fragments in a single blow.

87. Remnants of debt, fire, and enemy should not be left

Debt, fire, and enemy are counted as grievous perils, whether great or small; therefore the wise should not leave even a small remnant of them.

When you have never yet been in debt, do not borrow or take loans; when in debt, you should quickly find means to repay; and when you repay, you should pay in full, leaving not even a single baht — for over time it may increase manyfold, until you can no longer repay it all, and in the end the creditor seizes your property, leaving you utterly destitute.

When there is no fire yet, you should not kindle fire in play; even if you must kindle it to cook food, you should put it out at once when the task is done, not leaving a remnant of fire through carelessness and negligence — for even a small remnant of fire may spread and burn everything to ruin.

When you have no enemy yet, you should not make one; and when you have one, you should quickly settle the matter to an end — for even a tiny remnant of an enemy may be the start of a quarrel, until it becomes a lasting, lifelong enmity passed down even to your children and grandchildren.

88. A friend sweet of face but cruel of heart, do not befriend

In choosing whom to befriend, one should select well. In this verse of the Loka Nīti, the text describes the marks of the person we should not befriend, namely:

One who strikes a haughty pose, loves to dress ostentatiously, wears a beaming, cheerful face; who loves to come close and grow familiar, greeting you as if you had known each other well for years; who loves to praise himself for others to hear, boasting of knowing great lords and high officials; who loves to volunteer for difficult tasks, and coaxes with sweet words to lull you into trust; who loves to ask about your family and lineage, asking about your work, your family, relatives, friends, and dependents, asking about family problems with matters that ought not to be asked, feigning to take on various affairs for you, and so on. If anyone is deluded by his talk into befriending him and letting him into the house, he will begin to wheedle and tell of pitiable troubles, or borrow money and goods, presume to pick up this and handle that, and snatch away certain things on his way out. Such a person — flee far from him at once; never befriend him.

89. A master one should not serve

Between master and servant, most treat one another well; but there are some who treat one another improperly. Only if both master and servant have the qualities and conduct according to the following principles will there be mutual benefit and support.

A good master has five qualities, namely: (1) he is kindly and does not despise with harsh words; (2) he aids in times of hardship; (3) he praises the work of his servant; (4) he bears himself so as to be worthy of respect; (5) he advises with a wish for the servant's benefit and support.

A good servant has five qualities, namely: (1) he is humble and shows no coarse manner; (2) he strives at the work without failing; (3) he accepts advice and admonition; (4) he does not slander his master; (5) he devotes his ability to the good of the work.

When the master is good, treating his servant with a kindly heart, the servant too should treat the master with respect and humility.

90. Keep clear of horned beasts, horses, elephants, and fools

A sharp-horned beast, a sharp-hoofed horse, a tusked elephant, and a ruffian — these four kinds can all bring us trouble; therefore one should keep well clear of them.

To keep clear of a sharp-horned beast, one should keep fifty cubits or more away to be safe.

To keep clear of a sharp-hoofed horse, one should keep a hundred cubits or more away to be safe.

To keep clear of a tusked elephant, one should keep a thousand cubits or more away to be safe.

As for a ruffian, keep however far away, one is still counted unsafe. The wise therefore advise that one should keep clear by moving house, abandoning one's homeland, and going as far away as one can possibly go — for a ruffian, wherever he goes, will threaten, harm, and bring ruin. Once one has managed to keep clear, one should also make the wish: may I never meet a fool, may I never delight in the words of a fool again.

91. Six things to keep far away from

A barren region is a region with no river flowing through it, where no wise men or learned scholars travel back and forth, and where no king rules the land righteously.

A bad friend is a friend who fleeces you and takes only for himself, good only at talking of things past or things not yet come, who has never helped anyone, given only to flattery and fawning, who slanders behind your back and praises to your face, and who invites you to do disgraceful things.

A disgraced family is one that the villagers censure, one loathed all around.

Wicked kin squander property, snatch inheritances, and take secrets and reveal them.

A bad wife is not ashamed to be unfaithful to her husband, speaks with cutting sarcasm, and takes no interest in the household.

A base servant has no respect for his master, does not heed advice and admonition, and so on.

All of these, if one can avoid them, one should avoid, for they will bring peril.

92. The marks of a true friend

A true friend has many qualities, such as: being of help, warning and admonishing, sharing sorrow and joy, confiding secrets of the heart, not abandoning in danger, restraining one when about to do evil, supporting one when doing good, and being able to lay down life for a friend.

Besides this, whichever friend stands by your side in sickness, helping to find medicine and a doctor to treat you, nursing you; in hardship and famine, spreading out to share, dividing the four requisites; in loss of gain, consoling you not to lose heart and courage; in loss of wealth, helping to set things right, sharing wealth as capital according to his means; in loss of rank, speaking the Dhamma to show impermanence, so as not to cling, to make peace with it and accept change; in a lawsuit, striving to help, standing as a witness for you, finding a lawyer to plead for you —

Such a friend is rare, hard to find. When you have gained such a friend, try to cherish one another's goodwill, and preserve the bond of friendship to endure through your children and grandchildren.

93. One of cool speech has many friends; one of harsh speech, few

The sun blazes with fierce light, and so has no stars for its retinue; but the moon, with cool and pleasant light, has a great retinue of stars.

In this last verse of the Chapter on Friends, the text describes an outstanding trait of people: what sort of person has many friends, and what sort has few.

A person skilled in speech and discourse, whose words are cool and composed, who does not babble, who speaks with reason, with substance that can be put into practice, who speaks so as to preserve goodwill, gently — such a one is counted as having many friends, like the moon, which has a great encircling retinue of stars because its light is cool, soft, and bright.

But a person unskilled in speech and discourse, who speaks bluntly and boorishly, coarsely, ramblingly, cunningly, without truthful speech — such a one is like the sun whose light blazes fiercely, so that it has no retinue of stars.